Since I can remember there have been people set in my life just for the right reasons. Besides the obvious blood relatives friends have come and gone all leaving some sort of imprint on me. At times negative things came of those "friend ships" but looking back those made me grow much more.
I remember being teased when I was in elementary school. I lived in a place where I was a minority and so...I was the odd one out being picked on. I remember being called freckle face and ugly numerous times as well as fat. Kids used to play mean tricks on me. At times people would point and say how big I was while at lunch and other times people wouldn't even use the water fountain after me saying I was nasty. I do not remember being overly sad about this. I do remember I just tried to say low. I tried to not be noticed in school in any way for good or bad. I was accused a lot of behaviors I did not do and never tried to fully fight back.
As I grew older the bullying continued. I was usually a bigger kid growing up which started at a toddler age and continued until about my freshman year in high school. By 5th grade I began not eating at school unless it was something very quick and semi healthy. High school I mainly ate carrots...or nothing. I was so embarrassed to eat even tho most of the bullying had stopped at an older age. It was easy to start the bulimia as an early teen because I didn't like to eat around people anyway.
To this day I do struggle with public eating but it is not to a point where I starve myself.
All the research on this surgery shows the risk of eating disorders, drinking, and suicide much greater after the weight loss. I am not going to be one of THOSE people.
I am confident for a few reasons.
Over the last 3+ years I have grown the love for myself that I always talk about. I also know that losing this weight will not solve my issues. It will not make me pretty. It will not heal my wounds. This surgery is a stepping stone to get to the place that my body needs to be in. My mind will be taken care of in a different way.
I play an active role in making sure I am not going into a "dark place" as some people call it.
Today, I have amazing friends. Friends who remind me often how pretty I am. How much of an awesome person I am.
Bullying is so different at age 27 but I get to choose not to care.
I learned a lot during my younger years of being picked on. I learned that it doesn't matter. Nothing anyone else says truly matters. As adults we sometimes get caught up in what others see us as...I still get caught up in that today...but who cares?!
My daughter wants to be like her mommy because to her I am beautiful and AWESOME! (Ok I might have exaggerated the awesome part...hehehe)
I care what those who love me think to a certain point.
In the end it comes to what my heart feels. MY heart.
So, am I worried about the emotional part of Gastric Bypass...well yes, but not because of suicide, alcohol, or eating disorders I am scared because I will have to slowly learn to love skinny Tabby as much as FLUFFY Tabby. How strange is that?! Isn't it usually the other way around? ;-)
I know that this process will be hard and that is why I am so blessed to have my amazing friends. There is no failing with God in my corner and my team of friends cheering me on.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
1. How did I get here?
So I figured I would share a bit about me for those of you who don't know my personal story or even those of you who do.
First off let me say that I have struggled with my weight most of my life. My family doesn't have the best eating habits and many of them struggle with weight as well.
I was a pretty big baby and child I towered over other kids most of my life. I am unsure if it was the steroids to treat my asthma or if it was truly the hand I was dealt. Surely it couldn't have been all the mac N cheese and hot dogs I was fed as a child. ;-)
Anyway, as an early teenager I was a bit overweight...nothing major. I swore I was HUGE but looking back...I was actually pretty average.
Anyway, I started psych meds at age 14 which made weight gain super easy. At age 15 I was wearing a size 20. I do not have many pictures from this time as I honestly didn't care about myself and was in and out of group homes.
I was about a size 22 at age 16 and that is where my eating disorders truly kicked in. I started learning more and more about not eating. Age 17 I was full fledged anorexic. I started starving myself and by 18 I was pretty close to as thin as I wanted to be.
At age 20 I moved to Missouri to be with my "love" cough cough... anyway, and I began to have issues with my ovaries.
By age 21 I was back in a size 22. I had gained 100lbs in less than a year and was eventually in a size 26. At this time I was about 160lbs over weight.
I had a baby, broke up with my "love", and went through some crazy changes over the next couple of years which brings me to age 27....today.
The od thing is is that during these last few CRAZY years I have come to love myself more then EVER before. I LOVE curvy, beautiful, smart, kind, sexy Tabatha. I am ok being single. Ok being ME.
So, why the surgery?
Well, PCOS caused my left ovaries to be removed and I want to keep my other one.
Of course there is also the risk of Diabetes, Heart issues, and DEATH. I am a 27 year old single mother. I need my life back. 2 years of meal plans and diets failed with the help of doctors because of PCOS.
I just want to be able to go on hikes, walks, swims, and chase my daughter around the park. I want to live healthy and happy for a long LONG time.
She has me...that is it..just ME and risking my life every day I stay morbidly obese is pure craziness.
So, I am going to keep a blog, update it often during this process, and tell everyone the truth about me and what I am going through on the inside and outside during this medical change in my life.
I will share more stories of my past as well in this blog. Different meal plans, eating disorder struggles, and my research on the Gastric Bypass.
Anyway, Thanks for reading!
Pic 1- Age 14
Pic 2-age 18 with my little sister
Pic 3- Roughly age 20/21 with my mother
Pic 4- 2 years ago on Halloween age 25
First off let me say that I have struggled with my weight most of my life. My family doesn't have the best eating habits and many of them struggle with weight as well.
I was a pretty big baby and child I towered over other kids most of my life. I am unsure if it was the steroids to treat my asthma or if it was truly the hand I was dealt. Surely it couldn't have been all the mac N cheese and hot dogs I was fed as a child. ;-)
Anyway, as an early teenager I was a bit overweight...nothing major. I swore I was HUGE but looking back...I was actually pretty average.
Anyway, I started psych meds at age 14 which made weight gain super easy. At age 15 I was wearing a size 20. I do not have many pictures from this time as I honestly didn't care about myself and was in and out of group homes.
I was about a size 22 at age 16 and that is where my eating disorders truly kicked in. I started learning more and more about not eating. Age 17 I was full fledged anorexic. I started starving myself and by 18 I was pretty close to as thin as I wanted to be.
At age 20 I moved to Missouri to be with my "love" cough cough... anyway, and I began to have issues with my ovaries.
By age 21 I was back in a size 22. I had gained 100lbs in less than a year and was eventually in a size 26. At this time I was about 160lbs over weight.
I had a baby, broke up with my "love", and went through some crazy changes over the next couple of years which brings me to age 27....today.
The od thing is is that during these last few CRAZY years I have come to love myself more then EVER before. I LOVE curvy, beautiful, smart, kind, sexy Tabatha. I am ok being single. Ok being ME.
So, why the surgery?
Well, PCOS caused my left ovaries to be removed and I want to keep my other one.
Of course there is also the risk of Diabetes, Heart issues, and DEATH. I am a 27 year old single mother. I need my life back. 2 years of meal plans and diets failed with the help of doctors because of PCOS.
I just want to be able to go on hikes, walks, swims, and chase my daughter around the park. I want to live healthy and happy for a long LONG time.
She has me...that is it..just ME and risking my life every day I stay morbidly obese is pure craziness.
So, I am going to keep a blog, update it often during this process, and tell everyone the truth about me and what I am going through on the inside and outside during this medical change in my life.
I will share more stories of my past as well in this blog. Different meal plans, eating disorder struggles, and my research on the Gastric Bypass.
Anyway, Thanks for reading!
Pic 1- Age 14
Pic 2-age 18 with my little sister
Pic 3- Roughly age 20/21 with my mother
Pic 4- 2 years ago on Halloween age 25
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